It has been a long time my friends....

Wow!  I didn't realize quite how long it had been since I had updated my blog.  I tend to pretend it doesn't exist when things are going well.  Who needs a blog when you have lovely, well-behaved children?  Why vent when there is blissfully nothing to vent about?  The peace and quiet couldn't last forever though.  That would CLEARLY be too much to ask. 

Jake has been on the same meds for god knows how long.  Apparently since 2009, seeing as how that was the last time I checked in.  I haven't messed with anything.  I haven't changed anything.  I have thrown up my hands to the sky and said "if you want the kiddo on supplements for the rest of his life, then so be it"!  He was doing well in school.  His teacher this year doesn't just like him, she LOVES him.  Things were going swimmingly!  They were so great, in fact, that my husband and I actually adopted a baby girl (a lot can happen in a year), but I digress.

Picture it...Temple Beth Emet...two weeks before winter break.  The air is growing colder, the teachers are getting ready for vacation, and I am frazzled, but pretty happy.  Suddenly Jake can no longer control himself.  He can't sit through circle time anymore (as reported by his happy-to-tattle twin brother), he can't get done with ANYTHING at home without being told a million times what to do, and his jumping and flapping have seriously amped up in frequency.  We went to his very sympathetic pediatrician (who I adore) and asked her how to proceed.  Should we see a GI specialist, a neuro, a DAN doctor?  She told us to stop worrying, do what we are doing, and he will settle down one day.  Really?!  That's it?!  That is the best she can do?!

I can tell that something in him is off.  There is a difference between normal, wild Jakey, and tweaked for some biological reason Jakey.  Now I get to solve the puzzle.  God help me!  The last time I went through this, it turned out the problem was that the new juice I was giving him had Splenda (not so good for a kid like Jake).  That was an easy find and an easy fix.  Nothing else had changed.  All I had to do was check the label on the new addition, and BLAMO...problem identified.  This is different though.  There is no obvious culprit.  There is just me, Jakey, and his usual meds (and usual foods, because that never changes).

One of his meds is outdated.  Yes, I am giving my child expired medication.  In my defense, do you know how scary it is to take him off of, or switch a supplement?  There is no freaking way.  The new version of this particular liquid ships out January 15th.  I wish it was sooner, but I am hoping that turns out to be the key.  My luck, the fact that the formula has been updated is going to bite me in the ass!  That tends to be the way things work in my life.  Hopefully though, he will get the new liquid (miraculously ahead of schedule and in time for school to start again), and things will be calm once again.  Then maybe I can quit my blog for another year!!!

Here we go again....

You may think it is strange that it has been so long since I have posted, but there is a reason.  Things have actually been good.  I post to vent my feelings of frustration, of being alone in this fight, of the injustice my child suffers at the hands of teachers who are supposed to care for him, but I have been blissfully carefree for weeks.  Clearly it couldn't last forever.

Just to give you an update...since my last post, things had really settled down.  I stabilized Jake's medicines.  I even added in an herbal allergy pill so that I could reduce his Claritin.  He was doing really well.  His teacher, who had been filling out daily behavior reports for him, decided to stop.  She felt he didn't need it anymore.  Don't get me wrong, there were very few perfect reports, but who am I to complain about a day where the worst he does is talk too much during circle time?!  I will take awful behavior like that anytime!!!

To put some frosting on the cake, we went to visit the developmental pediatrician.  She had not seen him for a VERY long time and was blown away by the changes.  She basically told us that at this point, it seemed to her, that we did not have to worry about an autism diagnosis anymore!  You could have knocked us over with a feather!  Of course the funny thing about all of this is that in one breath she congratulated us for "curing" him, but in the next breath she and my husband were discussing how we should experiment with taking him off the medicines.  Thanks....been there, done that, not doing it again for a loooong time!

So here we were....two perfectly relaxed parents and two wondeful boys gliding through life on our happy cloud.  Ok, that may be a little bit of an exaggeration (Jake can still be a pain in the butt...his four-year-old attitude is off the charts, and he still has, for the most part, messy bowel movements), but we were thrilled and almost stress-free.  And then we hit this week.... 

Yesterday their teacher walked the boys to the car and let me know they were both awful (strange for Jake since he had been doing so well, but even stranger for Dylan).  I quickly found out from my waaaay too honest children that Jake had asked a friend to "kill" another friend because she pushed him.  Considering that the most aggressive thing we watch in my house is Nick Jr., I knew he hadn't picked that up from home.  There is a boy in class who also taught him about shooting bad guys, so I assume the source is the same.  When Jake complained that the same boy had bitten his finger, his teacher assured me that Jacob was fine, and he was just trying to deflect attention from his bad behavior.  Really??!!  I like to think that Jacob is smart, but he is not a criminal mastermind.  I was shocked that Jacob had come to her to let her know that an aggressive classmate had hurt him, and it was my son she chose not to believe.  I emailed her in defense of my kiddo and explained that he always told the truth, even if it got him in trouble.  He doesn't understand lying yet, so if he says his friend bit him, then he bit him...end of story.

Today she again walked the boys to the car.  When I asked if it had been a better day, she just shrugged.  She said he had again been wild.  She also said that she had to keep separating him from the group because, and I quote, "the group is much calmer without him".  Wow...thank god we pay $8000 for him to not be part of the class.  And here I thought we might be wasting our money.

Anyway, I am calling the therapist back in.  I need to know whether my boy is being unfairly targeted.  Don't get me wrong, I will be the first to tell you that he can be a royal pain in the butt, but he is, by far, not the worst child in his class, and I will be damned if I am going to let her treat him like he is.

Hopefully, once I figure this out, I can get back to my happy cloud.

Rescue Me!

It seems so long ago that things with Jake were going well.  It wasn't...it has only been a couple of months since I felt secure in the knowledge that we were on the right track.  We had taken a summer vacation that didn't end in my nervous breakdown.  We were planning a trip to New York for the boys' birthday.  Camp ended and the school year started, and all was right in the world.  Things were so fantastically quiet that my husband and I even began discussing adopting a little girl.  We finally felt like we had some balance.  Where did it all go wrong???!!!

Looking back, the downhill slide began when we took a break from two of his medicines over the summer.  You would think I would have learned by now....If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It!!!!  Things still seemed ok, but not perfect.  He was back on both supplements by the time school started.  Even with that, it appeared that we had managed to change and change back without ruining anything we had worked hard to accomplish.  True, his bowel movements never returned to normal, and his flapping went up and down, but he was happy, social, and well-behaved as far as I could tell (at least while he was at home).

Fast forward a few weeks.  Jake is at a place now where he can't control his body.  He is hyper like nothing I have ever seen before.  His teacher thinks he is the bad kid in a class full of kids who actually are bad, and I shiver with secret terror everytime I leave him at school.  I never know what I am going to hear when I pick him up.

Clearly something is going on inside his body to make him this way.  There is an imbalance that I cannot fix.  We now have him on 1/4 tsp of the Liquid Carnosine Plus and the regular dosage of the Behavior Balance Liquid.  I changed juice only to change it back when I realized the new juice had Splenda (hoping that that was what was causing the issues).  I also switched from Claritin (which also has Splenda....surprise) to a natural allergy remedy from Whole Foods (filled with herbs that I thought might help as well).  Granted, it has only been a day, but to see him struggle with his self-control so much absolutely kills me!

As I troll the internet searching for answers, and try to consider what each microscopic change will do to my child, I wonder how it is that I got here.  When something is wrong with your baby, isn't there supposed to be a doctor you can turn to to help you find the answers?!  Ever since my children were infants, that has not been the case.  Without getting into specifics, we have been to two GI doctors, two allergists, three ENTs, and I am currently considering changing pediatricians.  We have also been to a developmental pediatrician, who we will be re-visiting next week!  The term "practicing medicine" has applied to many of our circumstances.  I have always felt like everyone was just learning their craft, and hadn't yet perfected it.  I have had to become a doctor with a medical degree from Google university!  I am fine with the fact that this falls on my shoulders most of the time, but when things go wrong I have no one to turn to.  I need help figuring out what is going on inside of Jacob.  I need for tests to be run and medicines to be administered.  I need for someone with an actual medical education to take over.  I would like to retire.  The feeling of responsibility can sometimes be too much for me.  I need to be rescued by a knight in shining lab coat!

In Defense of my Kiddo...

I did something recently that I was hoping I would not have to do.  I told Jacob's teacher all about his background.  I divulged his medicines, his issues that have been resolved, and the things that we still deal with today.  Jacob started this year with an almost clean slate, and although his teacher knew he had been in therapy (she was his camp counselor, and at that point the therapist was coming once or twice a week), I had high hopes that this would be the year he would just be considered a "normal" kid.  Apparently that was not meant to be.  Due to some behavior fluctuations that I am hoping were due to a change in juice (and the sweetner used in it), Jake's behavior went from that of slightly energetic child to a full blown mental patient.  Enter the Big J.....Judgement!  His teacher went from loving his enthusiasm to blaming all of society's ills (ok, maybe just the class ills) on my poor, pain in the butt, kiddo.  I had to respond.  I did the one thing I knew could keep her from picking on him....I let her know how far he had come.  Let's see her try to judge him now!!!

I never thought I would be one of those parents who would live in denial, yet here I am playing the "not my child" game.  I blamed his lack of focus, inability to sit still, and crying fits on the stress of the class environment (thankfully it is a tough class, so it doesn't look like a lie).  Meanwhile, Jacob's hyperactivity was skyrocketing.  It took me watching him in a gymnastics class (something I try to avoid at all costs, for fear that I will run on to the floor and correct his behavior when he is not listening) to realize how bad things had become.  Although his gymnastics teacher tried to sugarcoat it and tell me how much fun he was, she also told me that whatever I had fed him that day, I should never give him again.  The poor thing could not keep his body still in any way, shape, or form.  He spent the entire hour laughing like a loon, jumping up and down, and flapping his hands like a bird...behavior I haven't seen peak like this in months.  A friend of mine, who was also watching the insanity, made sure to mention the special needs integrated class at her school.  "He's flapping!" she pointed out, as if I hadn't noticed.  "You know what that means!" she whispered.  No...please enlighten me asshole.  I am sure you have sooooo much experience with this.  I am sure you have been living with these behaviors and trying to correct them for the past three years.  Oh wait...that's what I have been doing!!!!

I am very open about where the saga of Jacob began.  I tell my friends all about the medicine he gets on a daily basis.  I am hoping it may help someone someday.  I am also hoping it will protect him from being judged too harshly.  Jacob is a happy, social, hysterical kid, and if people find out that it was predicted at one point that he would be autisitc, they look at him through different eyes.  They realize how hard he, and I, have worked to get him to where he is.

I am not completely in denial.  When I found out he was having problems in school, I promptly called his behavioral therapists to return to us.  The huge bills my husband thought he was done paying started rolling in again, but when it comes to Jacob I will do whatever it takes.  I am always on top of things, and I am his toughest disciplinarian and his harshest critic.  I expect nothing short of awesome from him.  I judge him everyday.  There is one thing, however, I do not tolerate, and that is judgement passed by other people.  I feel completely and utterly responsible for everything Jake is and does.  I took a child who didn't talk or interact, and turned him into the goofball he is today.  Judging him is judging me, and that cuts deep on a primal level.  I have given blood, sweat, tears, and hours of sleep to help my Jacob, and I think we are both incredible.  I never knew I could be so strong and resolute when it came to solving a problem, and no one knew that Jacob would ever be capable of graduating from therapy (even if it was only temporary).  I may have played the sympathy card with his teacher, but what Jake needs is love and support, not judgement.  If I have to tell every person we come into contact with who he used to be, then so be it.  Maybe once they know, they will love him for what he has accomplished, and leave the judging to me!

Really Jacob?!

Let me share with you now a recent note from Jacob's teacher regarding his behavior in class.....

Hi Jenn,


We are seeing some improvement at circle.  I use the picture of the rules you sent in and Jake over to review the rule he should follow when he needs reminders.  He was using a very loud voice at lunch and touching the child next to him with his food.  I told him he had to finish eating by himself at the small table since he wasn't using nice table manners.  Earlier in the day he removed his shirt and shoes to do karate when he should have been at a center.  I will be happy to implement Jill's behavior plan and hopefully that will help get him on track.  Thanks.


Miss Shari

I think we can safely say that Jake would not get into the snooty private school doing things like that.  I am pretty sure there were no kids stripping down to do karate when my friend and I took the tour.  The kid is lucky he is cute or I would sell him to the circus!  Ughhh!  Another day, another bad report.  I hope he gets it together at some point.

Why Me Syndrome....

The past couple of weeks have been insane.  My husband and I traveled to our very last wedding.  You would think from this blog that I am a complete jetsetter, but we have had a summer filled with family events, and have been lucky enough to be able to enjoy them sans children (thank god for grandparents).  Of course the day before I left for my latest adventure (Glouchester, Massachusetts is gorgeous, for those of you who have never been), I picked the kids up from carpool and their teacher seemed very unhappy.  She told me Jake was having trouble controlling himself in class.  I asked if he was following the lead of some other children in class, but she said he was instigating.  Hard to believe.  Jake tends to be a follower, and there are some pretty awful kids in that room, but what could I say.  One emergency call to his head therapist, one email from his teacher detailing his indiscretions, and one flight to Massachusetts later, and I had Jill going to check on him while I lay at a beach house with twelve people and one shower!  Needless to say, I didn't even have time to warm my beach chair before I was fielding phone calls and emails from teachers and therapists alike.  Two out of three days of my vacation were spent trying to sort out what was going wrong in the boys' class.  Jacob is no angel, but after encountering indignation from all the therapists (GOD BLESS GOOD THERAPISTS) who swore there was noooooo way that was the same kid they worked with, it came to light that Jake had been given an inch in class and was taking twenty miles.  Our school is a little loose with discipline.  Without discipline, Jake is a wild man.  Add to that plenty of friends to get into trouble with, and you have a recipe for quite a pain in the ass.

Needless to say, I have been home for three days, and I am still dealing with it.  Jake has been getting better, but I have a feeling he would have to be perfect to get any credit at this point.  I should be thrilled.  He is being mischievious, but typical for an almost four-year-old.  It is just frustrating to know that he is capable of behaving, but is choosing not to.  It is also frustrating to wonder how much of it he maybe can't control.  I like to think he can, but I often ponder whether I traded one set of issues for another.  Will he now be labeled ADHD because the medicines that pulled him out of the cloud he was living in also make him hyper?  Maybe it isn't the medicines at all.  Maybe this is just what his problems morphed into.  I could go on all day.  I am filled with questions that have no answers. 

I decided it was time to tour another school.  Pre-K is next year, and Jake needs more structure.  He also needs to be around better children.  We have met some real winners at our current preschool, and Jake doesn't need the influence.  I went along with a friend to see a private school in our area.  Holy cow!  It is amazing what $14,000 will buy you in terms of early childhood education.  The school was brand new and high tech.  The children were so well behaved that it was like they were pumping drugs through the air.  I immediately thought that there would be no better place for my quiet kiddo, Dylan.  He would excel in this intellectual playground.  But then I thought about Jake.  The woman explained that there was a screening process to get in.  They only take average to above average children, and they tend not to want behavior issues.  No wonder the classrooms were so Stepford.  Not that my husband and I were looking to spend $28,000 on Pre-K, but it made me sad that a child as smart as Jake might not even be able to get into a school as incredible as this.  Walking with my friend (who also has twins), I knew she did not have the same concerns.  She didn't have to wonder whether her fabulous kids would be well-behaved enough to be accepted.  She didn't have to worry what the school nurse or classroom teacher would think about the medicines Jake would have to take before each meal and snack.  "Why me?" I wondered.  Why do I have to kill myself thinking about these things?  It affected the way I reacted to the boys when I picked them up.  Their teacher didn't walk them out, but Jake quickly admitted to getting put into time out during lunch.  I laid into him, more so than I would have on any other day.  I was still thinking "why me?", and I let it change the way I treated him.

Ever since I had the boys I have had to deal with one issue or another.  Stomach issues, immune issues, speech delays, behavioral issues, etc...  Clearly that is just part of being a parent, but I have had more than my fair share.  Strangely a psychic at a birthday party once told me that Jake would get past all of this crap and would become a CEO.  I keep the paper she wrote that on under my pillow.  On days like these I rub it a little and gain strength from believing it is true.  I may say "why me", but I also know that God only gives us what we can handle.  He must think I am one tough lady!  I guess I have to prove him right! 

Superwoman Vs. The Dentist

It has been a few days, and those days have been crazy as per usual.  On Monday morning, I woke up not feeling very well.  I was incredibly tired, dizzy, and if it wasn't for the fact that I dragged myself downstairs for a little bit to eat and drink, I probably would have been blacked out on the floor of my bathroom.  Call an ambulance...yeah right!  Go to the doctor...not happening!  As the room spun around me, what do you think I did?  If you answered made lunches, packed my kids backpacks, and started breakfast, you would be correct.  Even though I felt completely ill, the only thing I could think about was what would happen if someone else had to take care of my kids and I hadn't set everything up for them.  Jake takes a lot of his medicine in the morning.  Add to that the fact that my husband has never packed lunch for them, and it was water play day and they needed a change of clothes on top of everything else, and you have a recipe for one neurotic mom who needs to make sure things are done correctly.  It is amazing.  We take care of our children so well, but we don't take the time to take care of ourselves at all.  I am blaming my illness on the fact that I run around all day, definitely do not keep myself hydrated enough (I am guessing diet soda doesn't count), and don't sleep well to boot.  My diet is far, far, far from healthy.  I will try to make it to the doctor someday, but in that moment, I just had to play superwoman.  I had to drag myself up, do everything I could to make sure it was done right, wake my kids, give them breakfast, get them ready, and even take them to school.  Only then did I give myself permission to rest.  If I had asked my husband to help, he would have, but instead I played martyr.  It is something I have to stop doing.  Every once in a while, I have to recover from the insanity that is my life, and the non-stop joyride of thoughts that consume my brain.  I need to lay in bed, watch TV, and not think about things for a while.  It is ok to be sick and to turn the reigns over to someone else.  That is what family (and my big, fat notebook of instructions on how to care for my children) are there for.  Someday I am sure I will learn.

Speaking of taking better care of my children than myself, and also of the non-stop joyride of thoughts that consume my brain, today was the boys' first trip to the dentist.  In true superwoman fashion, I scoured every magazine my city publishes looking for the most kidtastic dentist I could find.  Jake's first haircut was something of a nightmare (let's just say we tipped the hairstylist $20 on a $25 haircut to make up for all the screaming).  I was having flashbacks and it wasn't pretty.  We chose a jungle themed office with DVDs and video games galore.  I dragged my husband out of work to accompany me.  There was no way I was doing this alone.  When we arrived, we were told that they would be taking the boys back without us.  Well, at least I wouldn't hear the chaos.  I sat in the waiting room barely breathing, heart pounding out of my chest, waiting to hear what had happened (or at least to catch Jakey as they tossed him out the door).  When the cleanings were done, they called us in to speak to the dentist.  Both children had behaved like perfect angels.  Ok, maybe Jake tried to bite the dentist's finger once or twice, but that was the worst of it, and that wasn't so bad.  I had survived the dentist, and now I could be at ease (at least for the next few hours).  I always expect the worst, but Jake surprises me sometimes.  Thank god he has a supermom, but even if I was just slightly above average, he would probably be ok.  Maybe Superwoman can hang up her cape every once in a while and learn to relax!  There is always tomorrow!